Friday, December 30, 2005

"This too shall pass," I say to myself.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

"It had to come to an end sometime", she said.
"But why does it have to be now?" I asked.

An evening with friends.

Well finally i have managed to convince my lazy fingers to come out here and type something about last saturday when i met up with the old gang. i wont say much, because it is hard to compress fourteen years of ones life into a single page. but its funny how fourteen years fit so beautifully in a period of few hours, infact as i write this stuff here, my mind wanders off into the ruins of the past.
words seem such imperfect substitutes when it comes down to putting feelings on paper, and right now i dont want to to spoil it by attempting to do the same. hence i'll just put up some pics of old pals of mine i met after a long time. feels great to see that all of them would eventually become some of the great brains in the country. it is really amazing and nice to find that the people you grew up with are doing so well for themselves, although it does leave a tinge of sadness when you find that you missed the starting gun but then the race is long..

pulkit, shino and me.

pulkit, parvathy, shino.

An existentialist thought

Existence precedes essence, meaning you're only defined after you die, until then, you and only you are responsible for your actions and shaping your character, existentialism is about not seeing yourself as a victim of circumstances.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Another day in the life of me.

Well woke up to a beautiful morning today, foggy , hazy and cold but beautiful.Went for a jog after a long time today. Good to see that mornings are still as beautiful as i left them. the mist covered windows, the dew drops on the grassblades, the cool breeze making the whizzing sound in your ears as you run, and when i was in the park, it was as if the colours became warmer. The leaves and flowers on the ground made a colourful carpet on the ground... running through the trees and the leaves felt like running through a tunnel of colours.
Met up with aditi after a long time today. She was looking gorgeous as always. Had our coffees and muffins at barista and caught up on old times, shared good laughs and for once there we were, two CAT aspirants who forgot they were depressed for a while.
Had an interesting incident today. Gave a small kid beggar a twenty ruppee note today. the broken toothed smile of his made me really feel nice. Must remember to be more charitable next year.
With the dawning of the evening ,came ankita. Gosh how i feel so guilty every time i see her. She stays practically next door to me and still i meet her only about once every two-three months or so.Should atleast give her a call more often. She seemed depressed and looked tired. those lovely green eyes of hers somehow had lost the spark which they had a few years back. As we sat there i could not help but notice an underlying feeling of melancholy and sadness in her voice, and that made me remind of my own miserable self. Kinda put me off after such a lovely day.
With such a tiring day behind my back, i had to take a walk to clear out thoughts floating around in my head. Enjoyed it as much. Somehow was trying to figure out whether my recent mental state was actually my mental stamina or just an abatement in the anxiety which usually prevails inside my mind....and while i was doing this, the thought about her floated back into my mind and there was i was back into my manic sense of anxiety and uneasiness all over again. i consider myself to be a maniac - someone who seeks to secure himself with his own personal core as a universal truth, therefore i dont feel people can be comfortable around me, atleast not for long, because i cannot surpress my mania for long- infact i dont even try to surpress it anymore because i find it a rather hopeless task. Now i like her and i believe she likes me(notwisthstanding the fact she is apples and i am like potatoes), but that doesnt make me a comfortable person for her. Infact i am not comfortable with myself except when i am uncomfortable. now i feel really uncomfortable over the thought that i made somebody else uncomfortable, hence i guess i am most comfortable alone where i have only to deal with a single discomfort.
ahh how wierd my depressions can get. so driven i can get at these times for some cheerful contact with anyone that those people i encounter, that they get so easily deluded by my cheerful foolishness. they are completely unaware of the black hell of perhaps only a few minutes ago and how in a few minutes i would be again out there contemplating to end it all.
But i guess as i sit here typing all this, i wont do anything of that sort. the fact that i am living, i am living not for myself , not for her, not for my parents, not for anyone else but just for the great guy up there. and as i sit here in the waning hours of the night, i cannot help but feel that right now if i just look outta my mist covered window, i might just see him as he flies away into the morning moon.

Mechanical Animals

I am never gonna be the one for you
I am never gonna save the world from you
But they'll never be good to you
Or bad to you
They'll never be anything
Anything at all

This isn't me
I'm not mechanical

I'm just a boy
playing the suicide king..

Thursday, December 22, 2005

..And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I thought I heard you whisper.
It happens all the time.

Thursday, December 15, 2005


I dont want any colours anymore, i want them to turn black.
i bleed myself just to see if i am alive. i take a look in the mirror and shudder at the image i see there, want to break all mirrors.
i know i will let you down like i always do. i wear this crown of thorns with a sceptre made of broken thoughts i could not repair , sit on my throne of broken dreams and all i can offer you is my empire of dirt.
oh what have i become? everyone i know goes away in the end. everything i have goes away in the end.and i remain here alone with my empire of dust, caught somewhere between memories and dreams. if i could start all over again, maybe i'll keep myself thousand of light years from here. maybe i'll just take another way.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


How do you do today?
Can you please tell me your name?
What is it that hangs behind those beautiful eyes of yours? can i have a peek at the spaces inside your mind? i want to hold up a mirror to you. i want to be the mirror itself, i want to reflect the beauty inside. i want to be the wind, i want to be the rain, i want to be the sunshine. i want to be that light at your doorstep to show that you are home.
when u think that the darkness has seeped inside your head with all its twisted sorrows and pains, incase you dont know, let me stand up to show what a beauty you are. its hard to believe that you dont know what a beauty you are, please let me be your eyes , the reassuring hand in the darkness so that you wont be afraid.please let me show you that you are blind.
can i have some space inside your mind like you do in mine?