Well woke up to a beautiful morning today, foggy , hazy and cold but beautiful.Went for a jog after a long time today. Good to see that mornings are still as beautiful as i left them. the mist covered windows, the dew drops on the grassblades, the cool breeze making the whizzing sound in your ears as you run, and when i was in the park, it was as if the colours became warmer. The leaves and flowers on the ground made a colourful carpet on the ground... running through the trees and the leaves felt like running through a tunnel of colours.
Met up with aditi after a long time today. She was looking gorgeous as always. Had our coffees and muffins at barista and caught up on old times, shared good laughs and for once there we were, two CAT aspirants who forgot they were depressed for a while.
Had an interesting incident today. Gave a small kid beggar a twenty ruppee note today. the broken toothed smile of his made me really feel nice. Must remember to be more charitable next year.
With the dawning of the evening ,came ankita. Gosh how i feel so guilty every time i see her. She stays practically next door to me and still i meet her only about once every two-three months or so.Should atleast give her a call more often. She seemed depressed and looked tired. those lovely green eyes of hers somehow had lost the spark which they had a few years back. As we sat there i could not help but notice an underlying feeling of melancholy and sadness in her voice, and that made me remind of my own miserable self. Kinda put me off after such a lovely day.
With such a tiring day behind my back, i had to take a walk to clear out thoughts floating around in my head. Enjoyed it as much. Somehow was trying to figure out whether my recent mental state was actually my mental stamina or just an abatement in the anxiety which usually prevails inside my mind....and while i was doing this, the thought about her floated back into my mind and there was i was back into my manic sense of anxiety and uneasiness all over again. i consider myself to be a maniac - someone who seeks to secure himself with his own personal core as a universal truth, therefore i dont feel people can be comfortable around me, atleast not for long, because i cannot surpress my mania for long- infact i dont even try to surpress it anymore because i find it a rather hopeless task. Now i like her and i believe she likes me(notwisthstanding the fact she is apples and i am like potatoes), but that doesnt make me a comfortable person for her. Infact i am not comfortable with myself except when i am uncomfortable. now i feel really uncomfortable over the thought that i made somebody else uncomfortable, hence i guess i am most comfortable alone where i have only to deal with a single discomfort.
ahh how wierd my depressions can get. so driven i can get at these times for some cheerful contact with anyone that those people i encounter, that they get so easily deluded by my cheerful foolishness. they are completely unaware of the black hell of perhaps only a few minutes ago and how in a few minutes i would be again out there contemplating to end it all.
But i guess as i sit here typing all this, i wont do anything of that sort. the fact that i am living, i am living not for myself , not for her, not for my parents, not for anyone else but just for the great guy up there. and as i sit here in the waning hours of the night, i cannot help but feel that right now if i just look outta my mist covered window, i might just see him as he flies away into the morning moon.