Friday, December 23, 2005

Another day in the life of me.

Well woke up to a beautiful morning today, foggy , hazy and cold but beautiful.Went for a jog after a long time today. Good to see that mornings are still as beautiful as i left them. the mist covered windows, the dew drops on the grassblades, the cool breeze making the whizzing sound in your ears as you run, and when i was in the park, it was as if the colours became warmer. The leaves and flowers on the ground made a colourful carpet on the ground... running through the trees and the leaves felt like running through a tunnel of colours.
Met up with aditi after a long time today. She was looking gorgeous as always. Had our coffees and muffins at barista and caught up on old times, shared good laughs and for once there we were, two CAT aspirants who forgot they were depressed for a while.
Had an interesting incident today. Gave a small kid beggar a twenty ruppee note today. the broken toothed smile of his made me really feel nice. Must remember to be more charitable next year.
With the dawning of the evening ,came ankita. Gosh how i feel so guilty every time i see her. She stays practically next door to me and still i meet her only about once every two-three months or so.Should atleast give her a call more often. She seemed depressed and looked tired. those lovely green eyes of hers somehow had lost the spark which they had a few years back. As we sat there i could not help but notice an underlying feeling of melancholy and sadness in her voice, and that made me remind of my own miserable self. Kinda put me off after such a lovely day.
With such a tiring day behind my back, i had to take a walk to clear out thoughts floating around in my head. Enjoyed it as much. Somehow was trying to figure out whether my recent mental state was actually my mental stamina or just an abatement in the anxiety which usually prevails inside my mind....and while i was doing this, the thought about her floated back into my mind and there was i was back into my manic sense of anxiety and uneasiness all over again. i consider myself to be a maniac - someone who seeks to secure himself with his own personal core as a universal truth, therefore i dont feel people can be comfortable around me, atleast not for long, because i cannot surpress my mania for long- infact i dont even try to surpress it anymore because i find it a rather hopeless task. Now i like her and i believe she likes me(notwisthstanding the fact she is apples and i am like potatoes), but that doesnt make me a comfortable person for her. Infact i am not comfortable with myself except when i am uncomfortable. now i feel really uncomfortable over the thought that i made somebody else uncomfortable, hence i guess i am most comfortable alone where i have only to deal with a single discomfort.
ahh how wierd my depressions can get. so driven i can get at these times for some cheerful contact with anyone that those people i encounter, that they get so easily deluded by my cheerful foolishness. they are completely unaware of the black hell of perhaps only a few minutes ago and how in a few minutes i would be again out there contemplating to end it all.
But i guess as i sit here typing all this, i wont do anything of that sort. the fact that i am living, i am living not for myself , not for her, not for my parents, not for anyone else but just for the great guy up there. and as i sit here in the waning hours of the night, i cannot help but feel that right now if i just look outta my mist covered window, i might just see him as he flies away into the morning moon.

8 Comments:

Blogger phoebz said...

thanks fr sharin a day of ur life... would like to see more of them

7:30 AM, December 24, 2005  
Blogger The Doors Of Perception said...

ur welcome[:)]
cant promise but yeah will try to put more here.
hope to see you try the same.[:)]

11:24 AM, December 24, 2005  
Blogger Monica said...

each day we experience mixed feelings!!!
learn to live them as they come!!!
everybody has problems in their lives.. n tellin them dat things will b fine is not d solution.. coz certain things never become fine...i dont know i m makin sense to u or not,but all wat i can say is, dont b depressed. u must b having wonderful people around, which will bring happiness in ur life!!!
waise,its easier said than done! :)

12:57 PM, December 24, 2005  
Blogger The Doors Of Perception said...

@monica: thanx.

3:52 AM, December 25, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hope you get to see ankita in the park now and then...she puts a smile on ur face.how i know that ur electricity hasnt ticked off...go of to sleep n gear up for a jog tommorow...

meenakshi

12:12 PM, December 25, 2005  
Blogger The Doors Of Perception said...

@minks: thanx for the comments, they are appreciated.
:)
would try to go for jog tomm.

9:16 AM, December 26, 2005  
Anonymous admirer said...

this beautifully describes the day and the phases it went thru.. fresh,colorful,vibrant and cheerful dawn>>>> light hearted mood(conversation with a friend)>>>> selflessness and satisfaction>>>> introspection and disappointments>>>>discontentment and hopelessness

:)

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:(

7:09 AM, February 04, 2006  
Blogger The Doors Of Perception said...

thnks admirer
but i guess u missed the last line; after hopelessness ther was a glimmer of hope too..anyways not that it matters.

10:17 AM, February 07, 2006  

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