Music and Misery.
Over the last few weeks I have tried desperately to break through the clouds of gloom and depression that seem to gather around inside my brain. Well I have tried and god knows i have tried.I dont really know how much i succeeded or not but as i sat down to analyse the reasons behind my sadness, a major part of the answer came to me in the form of music.
I have listened to music which has made me feel ever since i was 15years old. now all thos songs about sadness and heartbreak must have surely left some scars on me somewhere.
i wonder what came first , music or misery? Did i listen to music because i was miserable ?or because i was miserable, i listened to music? Are all the stuff(books , movies, music) responsible for turning me into a melancholy person? Perhaps the unhappiest people on the planet (maybe melaoncholy is the right word) are the ones who love music(which makes you feel) the most. I dont know that music is responsible for their unhappiness but i know this that they have listened to music a lot longer they have been leading miserable lives.
But the question is whether i would give it all up? would i give up my only refuge from the unkind world outside ? the feeling of just lying there and your soul surfing through the waves of music in a place where everything is just perfectly numb where nothing can touch you. the orgasmic pleasure of a chord change in a guitar solo. would i give it all up?the way it travels up through to the somewhere near the centre of your brain and then explodes through all parts of your body..
But then i wonder if you put music (or books, or movies or anything that makes you feel) at the centre of your being, then you cant afford to sort out your romantic life, and start to think of it as a finished product. You constantly have to scrape at it, pick at it,keep it in turmoil, pick at it a little more and unravel it till it all comes apart and then youre compelled to start all over again.
Maybe i live life a little too seriously, i absorb all the emotional things all day long, like a sponge., quietly bottling it away inside me. And perhaps this is the reason why guys like me never feel content; we have to be unhappy, or head-over-heels type estatically happy and that states are difficult to achieve within the confines of a stable, solid, mundane relationship,or for that matter even the daily mundane life.
When i listen to music, i play it again and again and again. It makes me dreamy, and then all of a sudden i need somebody to dream about...and then when i find one , well ..then there is trouble.