Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Music and Misery.

Over the last few weeks I have tried desperately to break through the clouds of gloom and depression that seem to gather around inside my brain. Well I have tried and god knows i have tried.I dont really know how much i succeeded or not but as i sat down to analyse the reasons behind my sadness, a major part of the answer came to me in the form of music.
I have listened to music which has made me feel ever since i was 15years old. now all thos songs about sadness and heartbreak must have surely left some scars on me somewhere.
i wonder what came first , music or misery? Did i listen to music because i was miserable ?or because i was miserable, i listened to music? Are all the stuff(books , movies, music) responsible for turning me into a melancholy person? Perhaps the unhappiest people on the planet (maybe melaoncholy is the right word) are the ones who love music(which makes you feel) the most. I dont know that music is responsible for their unhappiness but i know this that they have listened to music a lot longer they have been leading miserable lives.
But the question is whether i would give it all up? would i give up my only refuge from the unkind world outside ? the feeling of just lying there and your soul surfing through the waves of music in a place where everything is just perfectly numb where nothing can touch you. the orgasmic pleasure of a chord change in a guitar solo. would i give it all up?the way it travels up through to the somewhere near the centre of your brain and then explodes through all parts of your body..
But then i wonder if you put music (or books, or movies or anything that makes you feel) at the centre of your being, then you cant afford to sort out your romantic life, and start to think of it as a finished product. You constantly have to scrape at it, pick at it,keep it in turmoil, pick at it a little more and unravel it till it all comes apart and then youre compelled to start all over again.
Maybe i live life a little too seriously, i absorb all the emotional things all day long, like a sponge., quietly bottling it away inside me. And perhaps this is the reason why guys like me never feel content; we have to be unhappy, or head-over-heels type estatically happy and that states are difficult to achieve within the confines of a stable, solid, mundane relationship,or for that matter even the daily mundane life.
When i listen to music, i play it again and again and again. It makes me dreamy, and then all of a sudden i need somebody to dream about...and then when i find one , well ..then there is trouble.


Blogger anandi said...

came across your blog just now. theres so much interesting stuff... that i can relate to. especially the feeling of a perpetual gloom... all i can say is dont bottle it up to much. and i do like the title 'doors of perception' have you read huxley?

6:15 AM, March 23, 2006  
Blogger Hemu said...

haha , that was seriously a wonderful poem ... was a flow .... preety cool man , love it totally !!

Music is everything ;)

Keep blogging :)

6:54 AM, March 23, 2006  
Blogger The Doors Of Perception said...

@anandi: thnx for the appreciation, abt huxley, yes he remains one of my favourite authors.u too a huxley fan kya?

oh btw u have lovely blog urself.

@hemu: thanx re.
will do.[:)]

9:01 PM, March 23, 2006  
Blogger darkness said...

I love your blog. its so simple and genuine. I can (or i try to) relate to everything you write. That doesnt happen most of the time. Music for me is introspective... I can never dream without music. does that make sense??? eh??

10:53 PM, March 23, 2006  
Anonymous admirer said...

Loneliness is always looking for a friend
It found me once and it has been around since then
Loneliness is never waiting by the door
It sweeps right through and it will never be ignored
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?

The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

Loneliness knows everything I keep inside
My endless thought in the silence of the night
Loneliness is the one who made me see
Ain't nobody else who can make a change but me

Life is more and that would be the vacant space
The cried out tears and a never ending maze
I have found what only loneliness provides
A strength within knowing I will find....

6:44 AM, March 24, 2006  
Blogger phoebz said...

well u are good as usual but the surprise package is the "admirer"... we need to talk!!!:O

8:17 AM, March 24, 2006  
Blogger The Doors Of Perception said...

@darkness: thank you. i love your blog too , i find it so easy to see glimpses of me in there. keep up the good work.
about music, well it might sound rather wierd but i tend to place everything in the form of music inside my expresses the inexpressible.about music helpnig me to dream, i dream so much that it has started to become a reality and i am really happy in my own private dreamland of my music.

2:37 AM, March 25, 2006  
Blogger The Doors Of Perception said...

@admirer: thanx re for ur words..u know na how much they mean to me.

@phoebs:the appreciation is appreciated. but why the surprise?[:P]

2:39 AM, March 25, 2006  
Anonymous admirer said...

well miss phoebs.. my identity is no more a surprise to u... and as far as talking is concerned.. we would..once u start showing up at ur workplace. ;)

and mister nikhil.. i dont know how much exactly my words mean to u.. i dont know my credibility! but yes i make sure to be honest and sincere in my comments.. and i guess u dont ask more than this as a blogger.

7:02 AM, March 27, 2006  
Blogger anandi said...

yes, huxley one of my favourites, not read too much of him, but still.

and... thx for your nice words :)

1:28 AM, March 29, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love your writing- it really speaks to me-

Now if only you were gay...sigh...


11:22 AM, July 27, 2007  

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